Two days ago, I wrote about suicide. I have struggled to shake the feelings and have pushed myself into doing social things, productive things, and trying to act normal. My success at this is varied. My brain is bouncing all over the place and late last night, after having an argument with Pete, I faced thoughts of death and self-harm again. I pulled out of it, and it’s at times like that, that I’m grateful I have a rubber ball brain that sometimes does what I need. I went to bed. I didn’t hurt myself.
Today has been awkward so far. When you live with someone who also has a depression brain, feeding and leaking into one another is unavoidable. Pete is suffering. We’ve not talked much, but both silently began doing long overdue housework chores upstairs. He tidied some bathroom stuff, we both put away the clean laundry that had piled like a mountain on our upstairs sofa, I cleaned the windowsill of an embarrassing amount of dust. I’m typing this from that little sofa now, so, the morning, although awkward interpersonally, has been productive and positive. We are both still suffering though, and quiet. At least we’re not arguing.
I’m thinking about tonight, about it being the end of 2016, and it’s just another day. It’s easy to look back at 2016 and consider it a shitshow of epic proportions, but that’s not fair to ourselves. I did some positive stuff over the last 365 days and I’m proud of several of them. My online video tuition has been successful, beach cleaning efforts have been amazing, and I have new friendships with incredible people. I will not bury those achievements in the ashes of all the bad stuff that happened. The good stuff deserves recognition, and although in my current state I’m relying on my hardwired objectivity, I can see these things and I am grateful. 2016 didn’t suck; only parts of it did. To give the darkness more credit than it deserves is unfair to the light.
So, I’m not necessarily looking forward to 2017, but I am looking forward to the post-Christmas/New Year pause in productivity. This time of year drives me nuts with the downtime in businesses and the increase in social pressures. Money bleeds away, I eat too much, I drink too much, and I wait until about the second week of January for everything to begin settling back into normal routines. I’m not good with disruption; it is not good for my ADHD, which has an effect on my depression. All major holiday times of the year knock me out of whack.
Just as I’m wrapping up this post, Pete has walked past and done something that made me giggle. And he meant to do it, so even better. There was smiling. The ball keeps bouncing.