Stream of consciousness

It’s 9:30 on a Tuesday morning as I sit down to write this post. I’m not sure why the urge struck me to type, but it has, so I’ve slipped my hands through a pair of wrist warmer glove thingies and opened my ageing MacBook Pro in the studio. It’s chilly in here. I have a really good space heater but I’ve turned it and my music off to write; I’m too out of practice and my ADHD drug hasn’t kicked in yet, so no noise is good noise.

I was ill last night, like, vomit-ill. I had nothing odd to eat, no reason to be sick. The one factor that tallied up with another recent need to barf episode was yoga. Only in recent weeks has yoga in the morning made me physically ill in the evening. I know yoga has all kinds of superpowers (I was, for many years, pretty addicted to daily yoga), but I’ve never had it detox me so profoundly. At least, that’s what I hope it’s doing…

Recent personal news has left me considering lots of things single people consider. Dating, children, marriage, old age, death. I am fortunate that I live with my best friend, and although the friction levels are low, we still have our “disagreements.” I’ve lived the last twenty years+ with men I married. Unless we enter into some rom-com BFF pact that we’ll marry each other if we give up on others, then I think Pete isn’t ever going to top a cake with me. And dating? Horrifying to me at the moment. Children? have always been horrifying to me…

On children: I have never understood the want to procreate. Sex? Sure- lots please because it’s fun, but kids? Yikes. I was sitting upstairs the other day wondering if I’d ever be ready to have a kid and I think I’m wired so completely differently that it will never happen. And that’s good. I’m forty-three and still can’t imagine how people half my age decide to make babies like it’s a good idea. I have a few other female and male friends who think the same way, so at least I’m not alone in my desperate need to remain childless. I will admit to only once thinking I wanted a child and that was in the aftermath of having my reproductive organs removed after cancer. Even then, I think I was just pissed off I no longer had a choice. Of course, I could’ve considered adoption, but the desire to care for a little human full-time for 18 years disappeared as quickly as frost under a hot sun anyway.

So I find myself in the position of focussing on my work, career, and – in words stolen from Cool Hand Luke – “getting my mind right.” I’m drinking less, eating less, and exercising irregularly, but more than I have in years. I’m going out of my way to meet people and engage in events in surrounding towns. Progress is slow on making a living for myself, but each day is a step in the right direction. Rebuilding is tough, emotionally and physically – especially with the years of depression I’ve been through (and am still battling). I am going to be one helluva success story one of these days, so I’ve got that.

Might even write more. You’ve been warned.

4 thoughts on “Stream of consciousness”

  1. excellent – you and no topping the cake Pete are soooo my kinda people – looking forward to the next post Jen 🙂

  2. Good for you, Jen! Live your life the way that suits you; it’s a good job that we are all different, bringing diversity and interests to this life we live. I would have had offspring yearly given the financial resources to cope, so it’s probably just as well that we didn’t have the requisite resources ;). It tKes all sorts to make a world, and a good job too.
    Lovely to hear you so upbeat x

  3. Oddly, having a child has made me respect those that don’t want to even more. It’s a tough thing to do, even if you really want them. If you don’t or are neutral – best stay away.

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