Update from the appointment

This morning is a little bit of a blur, so thank goodness my best friend Pete acts as my auxiliary brain now and again. The psychiatrist saw me for about a half an hour and we went over my situation again. She remembered me from three years ago, which was nice. I told her that the medicine I’m on for ADHD is ineffective. I told her that I’m off Citalopram. I showed her my highlighted notes and again reminded her (as I do anyone who will listen) that I don’t need to treat the depression as long as I’m on the right medicine for my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. The logic is this (and it does play out this way): If I can focus and complete things rationally and well, the depression all but disappears. Think about it- I complete tasks, I feel good. It really is that simple.

I explained to her that I’m back to life feeling like a spinning roulette wheel and every once in awhile the ball picks a slot and I finish something properly with focus. I experience life a little differently to you, most likely. My thoughts are like constantly firing buckshot. My experience of most situations is like looking at a flip book. Fireworks. Blinking Christmas lights. You know when your camera tries to put a little square over the recognised face of an individual in frame? Imagine it appearing over and over in random places never quite finding something to focus on. Now set that to a techno beat. Yeah.

The weird thing is, Adderall XR is amphetamine based. This is why doctors are hesitant to prescribe it here, and many are in fact unable to by regulations. Mine is one of those, so she is contacting a specialist branch up in Bristol to look at my case and – if possible – arrange a prescription co-operatively with them. If not, she will get me an appointment with them. I’ll happily travel two hours to get this resolved, not a problem.

If that route fails, and I am left without Adderall XR or any generic cocktail of the active ingredients, I have researched buying drugs from online sources. Sounds like the stuff in your spam email, I know, and it may have risks, but I am in need. I want to perform normally in my work. I want to make money and be independent. I have done this before and know very well what I am capable of. A few of you reading this have known me through the unmedicated to medicated times ten years or so ago… I don’t think I’m crazy to want that back. I don’t want to be angry, frustrated, and in constant brain chaos anymore. I’m 42. I’m still young enough to have a better life. I don’t want to wait to die like my mother. I want to squeeze every last drop of experience out of my time on this planet. Right now, that means getting a more functional brain.

Drugs are not always the answer, and you’d be right to tell me to exercise, take supplements, and all that. I have, I do. Not all brain chemistry can be sorted that way. I know what works for me. Let’s hope the folks in Bristol see it too.

3 thoughts on “Update from the appointment”

  1. A little more encouraging then! At least she is trying to sort it out and isn’t just fobbing you off. I really hope that it doesn’t take too long and that the answer is a resounding “YES, NO PROBLEM”. If not I would do exactly what you are contemplating and get what you need from overseas – not ideal, but I think necessary.
    The way you describe your condition makes it a little easier to get, but only from a factual point of view. I can’t feel what you feel but it sounds horrendous.
    The depression bit I do understand a little and like you, if I achieve something it makes me feel better, although I do take the drugs!
    I really hope that this all gets sorted in whatever way is possible and that you can have your life back.
    Your Mum would be very proud of your tenacity and your unwillingness to give up.
    Take care of yourself.
    Pete is a good dude!

  2. I am cheer-leading and holding my breath at the same time. Seems like this Doctor may “get it.” Hopefully that is true and the prescription works for you as it did in the past. Alternative methods of acquisition can be arranged, for sure, if this does not pan out.

    So, then….”GO JEN!”, and “God, I hope this works out!”

  3. this sounds very positive – at least you were listened to, and not dismissed out of hand. If she is willing to work co-operatively with other clinicialns, I’d say that she’s pretty much fighting for what you need. Fingers crossed it won’t take long xxx

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