This morning is a little bit of a blur, so thank goodness my best friend Pete acts as my auxiliary brain now and again. The psychiatrist saw me for about a half an hour and we went over my situation again. She remembered me from three years ago, which was nice. I told her that the medicine I’m on for ADHD is ineffective. I told her that I’m off Citalopram. I showed her my highlighted notes and again reminded her (as I do anyone who will listen) that I don’t need to treat the depression as long as I’m on the right medicine for my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. The logic is this (and it does play out this way): If I can focus and complete things rationally and well, the depression all but disappears. Think about it- I complete tasks, I feel good. It really is that simple.
I explained to her that I’m back to life feeling like a spinning roulette wheel and every once in awhile the ball picks a slot and I finish something properly with focus. I experience life a little differently to you, most likely. My thoughts are like constantly firing buckshot. My experience of most situations is like looking at a flip book. Fireworks. Blinking Christmas lights. You know when your camera tries to put a little square over the recognised face of an individual in frame? Imagine it appearing over and over in random places never quite finding something to focus on. Now set that to a techno beat. Yeah.
The weird thing is, Adderall XR is amphetamine based. This is why doctors are hesitant to prescribe it here, and many are in fact unable to by regulations. Mine is one of those, so she is contacting a specialist branch up in Bristol to look at my case and – if possible – arrange a prescription co-operatively with them. If not, she will get me an appointment with them. I’ll happily travel two hours to get this resolved, not a problem.
If that route fails, and I am left without Adderall XR or any generic cocktail of the active ingredients, I have researched buying drugs from online sources. Sounds like the stuff in your spam email, I know, and it may have risks, but I am in need. I want to perform normally in my work. I want to make money and be independent. I have done this before and know very well what I am capable of. A few of you reading this have known me through the unmedicated to medicated times ten years or so ago… I don’t think I’m crazy to want that back. I don’t want to be angry, frustrated, and in constant brain chaos anymore. I’m 42. I’m still young enough to have a better life. I don’t want to wait to die like my mother. I want to squeeze every last drop of experience out of my time on this planet. Right now, that means getting a more functional brain.
Drugs are not always the answer, and you’d be right to tell me to exercise, take supplements, and all that. I have, I do. Not all brain chemistry can be sorted that way. I know what works for me. Let’s hope the folks in Bristol see it too.