LtM – 27 December 2010

Hi Mom. You wouldn’t believe what I’m doing right now: I’m removing fusible interfacing from one of your wallhangings. Yeah, I know! Well, I could see you were unhappy with the way the circles turned out, had peeled them off and removed most of the stitching, but there was still a lot of the paper and adhesive leftover. Now I know why; that crap is a bitch to get off of fabric! I looked up how to remove it and so far so good. I have the paper all up and am working wet fabric and an iron over the remaining goo. I’ve got most of the thread scraps out too. I agree with why you removed the circles – it would’ve been too much… not quite right. It’s a beautiful hanging though, and I think I’ll find a way to finish the edges eventually. Right now, I just wanted to do something positive with my day. (I’ve been really struggling with my attention deficit this afternoon. I’m not sure why.)

I did something I didn’t tell you about before I came over- I recorded bits of our phone conversations using my iPhone pressed up to the landline. You have no idea how much that audio means to me. It’s you and me having normal conversation about science and food and your dog being silly… it’s so comforting. Our laughter, the “I love you” at the end of the calls. I listened to them for the first time yesterday. I didn’t even cry. I smiled, actually, and I am smiling now just thinking about your voice. It’s so good to hear it in the better times instead of remembering the shouting and ‘tumour talk’ at the end. I know it must have been terrifying for you to not understand things and to see poorly and to not be able to do things for yourself that only 24 hours earlier were still in your control. Your anger and anguish will never leave me, but at least I have the phone recordings to remember the real you and not the day the tumours took over.

I’ve left the iron on. Better get back to it.


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