watch me jump out of my mitherfickin’ skin

There really should be screens on the windows in this country.

I know, I know. The percentage of bugs and crawlies is too low to justify a complete shift in the manufacturing practices of UK home building, but still…

I just stepped stomped on a spider that, in a dimly lit room, looked big enough to be a mouse* and ran across the floor at least that fast.

I squealed and River Danced** till the confused intruder ran in enough of a predictable circle that I could stomp him.
It was big. In general, I don’t mind spiders. Don’t mistake this for some silly phobia. Not all spiders should die. Nope. Spiders are cool, but keep it out-the-fuck-side.

Comparatively, the UK doesn’t have much of a bug problem – you won’t hear the cacophony of an insect orchestra at night as you do in the US -¬†but damn! I swear island life has caused the spiders to inbreed to frightening sizes.
Like Face-huggers. Yeah, like in Aliens. Guess how well I’ll be sleeping tonight.


* Disclaimer: I like mice – I knew this was not a mouse.
** Apologies to the downstairs neighbour.

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5 thoughts on “watch me jump out of my mitherfickin’ skin”

  1. Thank you, John. You’ve just required me to take a sleep-aid before bedtime.

    [begin mantra]
    I will not dream
    I will not dream
    I will not dream (especially about spiders)
    I will not dream
    [/end mantra]

  2. Spiders have lots of babies. Nighty-night.

    Now I know you’re thinking, “Thanks a lot, Mom!” Hey, I couldn’t resist–you left yourself wide open!

    Do you have centipedes over there? They give me the willies. Those suckers are FAST!

  3. There’s definitely a spider thing going on at the moment – must be the weather. I’ve had three different people talk about huge spiders in their rooms the last week or so. I had one in the flat in the Netherlands (it’s not just the UK). It was huge and menacing. I swear it was waiting to mug me.

    I normally don’t mind spiders until they enter my ‘personal space’- while I’m driving the car or (worst) in my bedroom. Then I get a bit freaked and try to get rid of them. The ones with thin legs and body I can cope with grabbing and chucking outside. The big bodied ones I can’t stand, and usually end up stuck to the underside of my shoe (I DO try to capture and release them – I’m not evil!, but often it goes horribly wrong)

    Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite

  4. The large increase of spiders recently is due to the extension of the warm weather. They have had more time to mate and the babies and eggs haven’t had the chance to die because of frost.

    They have a strange tradition to call them “money spiders” here in the UK, because they are supposed to be a sign of good luck and incoming cash. I don’t agree with that, but am grateful for all of the other critters the spiders eat.

    The UK doesn’t have screen doors or screens on their windows, as they prefer to use net (lacey) curtains and beaded doors to keep things out – without much luck. But hey, if you want that lovely “my granny lives here, too” look, go all out. I have some lovely chiffon sheer curtains that do the job much better than the granny lace, and look pretty, too.

    Try keeping some citrus fruits in the house, most creepy crawlies hate them! A slice of orange in the hallway not only smells nice, but can be a natural pest repellant. You could always ask Mr Jen to cover you in it as a way to make it fun?

    By the way, love your wishlist, put a few things on mine from yours, us “foreigners” have to stick together 😉

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