It’s been a challenging couple of months. Lots of drama has unfolded where I used to live in and it only amplifies how helpless I feel to assist those I love. If I were 4000 miles closer, would it make a difference? Not really. I’d use my credit cards to try to bandage as much ill fortune as I could and only dig my own hole deeper. Of course I’d be there to offer mental and emotional support, but that wouldn’t prevent me from giving in to the ‘fix-it-all-with-money-I-don’t-have-either’ reflex. I want to help; I can’t help. I’m far away; I am as close as the internet and telephone. It’s a rollercoaster.
This vicious cycle of emotions has left me a bit uninspired to write much. After a good cry last night I sat down to go over the remaining bit of assignment that I’d put on hold. I’d created a binaural beat program mixed with pink noise earlier in the evening and decided to give it a go to help me focus and learn. I analysed the essay for improper tenses, structure and punctuation- generally dissecting it to understand how I’d written the piece from a more mechanical view. After just a few minutes I was engrossed in my work. I started understanding principals that I’d not visited since high school English classes over fifteen years ago. Participles, gerunds, infinitives, clauses, colons, em dashes and all sorts of language technicalities were soaking in again and I discovered several ways to improve the piece along the way. I printed the essay in it’s original form and marked it up with my findings and improvements. Today I will further study it and will have it printed and ready to mail to my tutor before the end of the week. I feel back on track.
I may not be able to directly help two of my dearest loved ones in their difficult times, but I can be here to listen and I can get on with my writing. They are both very supportive of my endeavours and I know that wallowing in empathetic misery is as far from positive and helpful as I can be. I may not have much to offer, but I can support, listen and continue to write.