Had a setback kind of day today. I’m looking at the relationship between learning disabilities and ADD/ADHD. I took a bit of time earlier today to lie on the bed with an A5 sketchbook and a fountain pen, writing freely without lines to contain my thoughts. I was frustrated, confused and feeling very low. Turns out, from what I’m reading online, ADD/ADHD and “gifted” individuals are often simultaneously experiencing learning disabilities. I’m not dyslexic, which is often the first LD that comes to most minds, but there seems to be a process, recognition, and retention hiccup in my brain. I knew this ages ago. I’m putting the puzzle pieces together and planning a way to wage war on my weaknesses. I get so frustrated at the knowledge that I’m gifted, (was in special classes for several years as a youth), and yet I can’t seem to keep my wild mind under control. What good is intelligence if I can’t do anything useful with it? I can’t predict it; I can’t control it. So first, I’m going to try to understand it.
This understanding started a few years ago when I had my first appointment with a therapist. It was within that same meeting that ADD/ADHD was discussed. That’s when everything began to make sense. Years of memories and difficulties started to fit into patterns and formulas. As an adult, I’ve had the pharmacological treatments. I’ve been to therapy. Now I do neither and I’m certain that there is an answer inside me. There are keys everywhere in my consciousness‚Äì now I just need to figure out which ones fit where. It’s not easy, but I’ve been lazy about the challenge. I’ve not given this the attention and priority it requires, and thus, other areas of my life are suffering. I have never been the type of person who wants others to “fix” me, but unfortunately, I am the type of person who procrastinates, makes excuses, finds other things to focus on and generally tries to ignore the big hairy monster living under the bed.
I cannot be this unfair anymore.
I’m a work in progress, but my time and patience with my own development is withering away. Today’s breakdown proves it. My full-time job is now how to get focused and productive. How to learn and live better. My aims aren’t so different than the universal brass rings we all strive for, I know, but I fear my personal mediocrities are dangerously close to winning the battle for my mind and future.
I am accountable.
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