Love and Marriage… Biblical style…

This is brilliant. Religion scares me enough in general without offering dating advice! I found this and thought you might be amused…

The Bible’s Top 5 Ways to Get a Wife

Left out: (and totally made up by me)
Go and thump a woman on the head with a menacing club. Then drag her off to the The Little White Chapel in Las Vegas. Keep her plied with wine and she shall be happy. (Especially if you tell her that she’s your “little mama” in an Elvis voice…)

Dance for the woman who pleases you, naked, wearing the hollowed fruit of the turnip. Sing to her as you wantonly wiggle before her. (some more Elvis would do nicely here…) She will think you drunk with love instead of just believing you a wayward tramp who’s been booted off one of those reality island shows… destined to live a sad life of advertising endorsements on the cheap channels…

Hang around dirty book stores. No, not just ones who’ve yet to invest in the cyclonic wonder of a Dyson, but with sticky, plastic wrapped magazines… and pulp novels about vagabond virgins. It may take awhile, but you’ll find her. She’ll appear to you in a package… you’ll need an air pump and a vinyl patch kit, but that’s better than spending your wad on diamonds anyway. (wad of money, you perv… tut)

And finally… I hear cyberspace has a lot to offer these days. But why go with something sensible and intellectual when you can put on a metaphorical rhinestone jump-suit and beat the same worn path thousands have travelled before you, all leading to disappointment, shallow encounters with cheap women, and fast cars.
On the other hand…
*jEN feels the power of thousands of men all over the globe, quietly practising their best Elvis sneers…*

You know, the worst part of that article? Some poor woman’s name was Gomer. That’s just cruel…


One thought on “Love and Marriage… Biblical style…”

  1. Hey jEN,

    Lets see what my options are :-

    1. Marry a captive woman – I am fairly sure there are laws against that sort of thing, so no.
    2. Marry a prostitute – No, sorry, just no.
    3. Find a man with seven daughters and then impress him – Seven daughters in this day and age, highly unlikely.
    4. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest- Ah at last a reasonable suggestion, where is that spare atom bomb I was keeping as a deterrent?
    5. A wife?…No! – ‘he unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord’ anxious about the affairs of someone I don’t believe in, not going to happen, my logic circuits couldn’t take it!

    Emperor Kev (with Elvis lip curl) 🙂

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