This seems a crazy thing, but it is shockingly easy to go for weeks without properly stepping your feet on the sand or rocks. Life gets in the way. Weather gets in the way. An army of surly garden gnomes get in the way. OK, maybe not that last one, but you get the idea that the things that get in the way are non-reasons and frankly, silly.

I ventured down to the Haven whilst the tide was creeping out with the goal of a stomp around on the rocks. Mission accomplished and I feel fantastic. My footwear of choice when I’m out there hopping from barnacle-covered stone to stone is trusty Chuck Taylor All Stars, and today – after all that weight I’ve dropped in recent months – I felt graceful and sure as I made my way round to the secondary beach to the left. Last year I got to the point where I could pretty much jog across the tops of the stones and today I could feel that familiarity returning (only better).

No excuses. Must get myself out on the rocks more often. I’m thinking at least a few times per week. It would be silly not to.

There’s a lovely group of people who make up a site called CleverBodies and when the opportunity to review a product from their love toys line presented itself, I thought, well, that could be fun…

I’ve reviewed a lot of products that cover most areas of practical life: shoes, jackets, tea, chocolate, etc., but never something so intimate – so personal. I had my choice of items, so I picked what intrigued me most, from a design and curiosity point of view.

Let me tell you about the OhMiBod Better Than Chocolate vibrating love toy.
First, the CleverBodies.com folks take great care in protecting your privacy when shipping; my product arrived in a plain box with no real way to tell what might be inside. Within the plain parcel was a tastefully gift-wrapped box containing the reddot design award winning toy.

Notice there’s an iPod pictured on the box. That’s right, this is a music controllable vibrator. You should experiment with very different songs and tempos– it’s really interesting. Death metal? Not really good for the mood, but hilarious to feel! Latin beats, ambient, rock… all different. Playing with the volume changes intensity and there’s also an iPhone app to touch control the vibes (or let someone else control them for you).

Don’t want to mess around with the tech side of things? That’s OK too, as the Better Than Chocolate has four preprogrammed vibration patterns built in with a touch slide control with pattern lock capability. Did I mention it’s also safe in water up to a metre? Hello, bubble bath…

The shape of the BTC takes some getting to know, as it does touch you in a unique way. It is easy to hold, and the whole thing quietly buzzes, so give yourself time to play and explore. After the initial ‘getting to know you’ period with the love toy, it did its job * cough * and really, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it.

Visit the CleverBodies site for more good stuff, and treat yourself to a toy. Last I looked, they were running a 15% off code for readers of The Sun as well, so you might want to jump on that deal while it lasts.

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OhMiBod Better than Chocolate vibrating toy provided for review purposes and no other payment has been given for this post.

Tomorrow evening he’ll be crashing at ours, and I can tell him “Welcome home, Pete,” for his new life starts in this village when he arrives.

If you’re around my chunk of North Cornwall, you’ll see us about; we’ll be the dorks getting up to no good and laughing a lot.

Why did I get one? Society. Bloody awful society. When I recently changed mobile phone providers to a sim-only package with T-Mobile, I realised that applying for things on my own without any of the common signposts of independence was and can be detrimental. Instead of getting the sim package I wanted, I got a handicapped one, one for the no-credit folks who don’t own their own homes and may possibly never pay because I’m self-employed. “Can I at least pay for data?” “No.” T-Mobile put me on a trial period sim card which only allows me 100 minutes per month and no data whatsoever, until I establish credit with them. Gee, thanks. I did tell them I have a business and that data is important for me on the go, but no dice. Supposedly, I’ll be permitted to upgrade to the package I ordered after this next payment goes to them, but I am still grumpy about the whole thing.

It also points out to me the lack of trust and basic belief in humanity that the majority of businesses and/or people have now. T-Mobile assumes I’ll skip out on my payments because I haven’t any credit cards or a mortgage or a ‘proper’ job. It makes me sad that they must have been burned so many times by truly unpleasant people that it meant a shift in policy for all. Trust no one.
What a shame.

So I decided to get a credit card. It’s in my name only and will hopefully establish to the world at large that I too am a societally bound prisoner of expectations. Now, I just need to buy a house and get an office job and the world is my soul-crushing oyster. This is where we roll our eyes and breathe out a defeated sigh.