This isn’t some motivational start to a blog post, but I said something earlier today on Twitter that I want to try to carry into my every day.
“Today will happen with or without me. I choose to be involved.”
I had a blip yesterday. That’s what Pete and I call the days where the brain doesn’t operate properly and perhaps depression sits on the throne. My blip ended in tears alone in bed, but fortunately I got some sleep. I’ve been reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and after completing the first of three sections of the book, I’m convinced that the idea of Resistance (it makes sense if you read the book or probably even skim the Amazon book description) being all around me at all times, wearing me down and betting on me to lose, caused me to flip out a bit. I have two major, brain chemistry based forms of Resistance already (ADHD and bipolar) so to think that I was also battling getting my shit together like everyone else as well got me down big time. We all procrastinate. We’re all lost. We’re all fighting. It is fair to say that my brand of Resistance cripples me more than I care to admit.
But you know what? I can’t stand it. I manage bursts of productivity and the façade of being in control from time to time, but I am just as scared and fucked up as you. And you. And you. I want to be better. I want to succeed.
So, Pete came over yesterday after a text conversation regarding my day. I had done nothing of worth. I cried. He came over and took over. It’s funny, really, as I do this for him too. Anyway, it’s my business that freaks me out, that hulks up Resistance. I’m a helluva artist, but one flaming bag of shit when it comes to business. Fortunately, he’s terrified of blank canvases but can out-business most people I know. He began to put together a plan for me.
This action was like being a bleeding soldier on a battlefield, about to take the final blow from some big Tolkien-esque creature but a sword comes out of nowhere and thrusts through the back of the monster. Pete made sense of my chaos in a non-traditional application for the task: Scrivener. Now, I’m not saying this is going to fix me, but so far nothing has, so I am optimistic that exhausting many other options has got to leave the right tool in front of me sometime.
I’ll go into more of the nuts and bolts in another post, but for now, 2014 is here and I choose to be involved.