Seven contacted me through Twitter Direct Messages. A few openly left comments here. I had emails too. Yesterday’s blog post struck a chord with you and you gave me love, support, and thanks for putting into words feelings similar to what some of you experience too.
My burns are healing, itchy. My mind is still in survival mode and easily tripped up. I am emotionally exhausted, but my brain is fighting to move on. My thoughts today are on work, after taking yesterday off. I feel empty. Tank dry. This is an interesting sensation and triggers feelings of peace and hope. This big, empty space where my ‘self’ should be – the emotional and thinking self – is ready to be filled up and tapped again. I’m going to try to fuel this exhausted me with gentle work, gentle love. I put on clean socks today; it’s a start.
Feeling so empty is different to being at rock bottom. I picture rock bottom as a place where helplessness and despair hold you down. Emptiness feels like I’ve been hosed out and the shell is ready for the next chapter of me. Can I compare myself to a taco? Yeah, it’s my blog; I’m a taco shell and what I put in me is what makes me tasty. Or something. Make sense? It does to me, but then, I had Mexican food last night…
Terrible culinary analogies aside, I am empty and ready for what comes next. I’ll fill up, spring a leak or naturally drain out again, maybe even burst. The cycle starts all over. It’s how I’m wired, and all I can do is manage me the best I can between these episodes.
Thank you, readers, friends, curious by-standers for reaching out and sharing a little back over the past day or so. As the tagline for my blog states, “sharing too much” is my way, and I’ll always endeavour be frank.
Bipolar Depression, Anxiety, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder are part of who I am, so I accept it; I will do the best I can with what I’ve got and keep learning. The tattoo on my arm says, “To thine own self be true” for a reason.
I’m going to leave this world with scars both mental and physical, but I’m also striving to leave it with more memories than dreams or “could’ve-beens.” I won’t be held down, I won’t be a victim. I make my own choices – some better than others – and I know that healing always follows the hurt.