So my brain and I have this love/hate thing going on. Always have. I reckon you’re here reading and already know about the ADHD/Bi-polar stuff, so I’ll skip that. Let’s talk about the anxiety I just went through.
I didn’t make it into the exhibition I recently went for and tomorrow I pick up my painting in Bristol. Two and a half hours there, two and a half hours back– plenty of time to think irrationally about all kinds of stuff. And I will, but hopefully not for the whole journey. I know I’m good at what I do, and that success will come, but some days it feels like a step forward is greeted with a chorus of pointing fun-makers harmonising a ditty about what a silly optimist I’ve been and I should go eat cake and get a job at the pub. Then there’s the step back (or two) created by my own anxieties about subsequently taking on work that I don’t love, that I’ve been consciously moving away from, but will bring in a few quid. Not succeeding at art? Fall back on web work.
I ended up doing half an hour of hard exercise on the stepper (whilst watching Transporter 2 – can I just say: Amber Valletta- I totally would) to get my brain chemicals back on track. If the toughest thing you deal with in your head is a headache or run of the mill emotions, I envy you at times. My eyes were dry from being wide open and darting, my brain felt like the fourth of July and spinning tops. I was helpless. Anxiety + ADHD = incapacitated by crazy.
Half an hour of sweating on the stepper and my brain is calm, my mood improved, and I don’t look at my doing web work as a failure of my art career. I could be flipping burgers or pulling pints instead, but I’m fortunate enough to know my way around a WordPress install with some understanding and can help a few hand-picked clients get results they want. I’ll do the work, get paid, and still do my art and not look at the filling of gaps with digital freelance as a bad thing. It’s a good thing.
I may have my brain glitches, but I’m beginning to cope with the freak-outs and hurdles in more positive ways lately. To cope with today’s anxiety? I didn’t drink (alcohol), brand my arm (my variety of self-harm), or sleep (= escape)– I exercised my demons in a literal way. I sweated out the poison.
And I got the eye candy of Amber Valletta too.