Not OK

I am medicated yet still nearly crippled by depression (I am bi-polar.) and it’s been lasting longer than I care to assess. I sleep as much as I can get away with. I am not keeping house. I have all but stopped painting and other art save for the props and sets I volunteered to paint for the local village production of Oliver. Seems like the only thing I care about right now are the little seedlings I’ve been growing. I’m not much of a gardener, but the dozens of little plants flourishing in my care seem to give me a kind of hope. I don’t know what I’d do without them right now. (Although I am selling some of the tomato plants off – well, no one has bought one yet, but it’s been too cold to set them out for a couple of days.)

Selling off my babies

I’m on anti-depressants and have been for over a year. Without them I’d be a basket case, but on them I’m at least getting dressed and… well, I’m getting dressed. That’s something. I saw a nurse from the mental health branch of the NHS and am in the queue for a psychiatrist. I’m trying to steer my treatment back to tackling ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) medically and treat the depression through therapy and perhaps continue on medicine for that too. I’m living half a life and know what it’s like to be on a successful treatment programme; it hurts to have this knowledge and not be able to experience it right now.

I guess I just wanted to get this out, as I’ve been very slack at keeping up with my online (and offline), life, interests and communications. I am not OK, but I’m hopeful that ‘better’ is just around the corner.

9 thoughts on “Not OK”

  1. Hi Jen
    If only there was a switch somewhere within the body that could be activated to stop the depression, wouldn’t it be great? Having battle depression myself for the past 12 years I know exactly where you are coming from. But the fact you recognise the problem and are being proactive (or as proactive as you can be) is a major step forward.

    Depression is one of those “hidden” conditions. There’s no rash or spots, no fever or outward signs. People are quick with helpful advice — “pull yourself together”, “you drink too much coffee” “what have you got to be depressed about?” are just some of my favourties.

    I always thought that the word depression was the wrong word for this condition because people who don’t suffer from it seem to think it’s all a matter of “feeling a little down”.

    One positive thing to remember, no matter how dark the day, you are never alone. If you need to pick up the phone and talk to somebody, do it.

    The big thing I’ve learnt is not to hide behind a smile and say I’m fine, and I admire your courage with making your feelings known on here. There is nothing worse than feeling alone in a crowded room.

  2. jen

    The weekend we spent with you was truly magical, and we left it envious of the life you have built down there.

    I hope you appreciate it was YOU that made it so special. The way you cared for us and nothing was too much trouble. We are looking forward to the next trip.

    with love

    ian

    PS Neil your bread was quite good too, esp with the muscles 🙂

  3. Thank you all. xx I’m doing what I can and am going to force myself to get through today with a few things accomplished, even if they aren’t the things that so glaringly need the most attention. Just ‘doing’ is the task for today. So far, I’m showered, have a cup of coffee, and got dressed. It’s a start. 🙂

    And Ian, thank you. I adore being able to make friends comfortable and happy and to hear that you and Anke enjoyed yourselves so much here really put a smile on my face. Looking forward to your next stay. x

  4. I have bipolar disorder too, & had no access to my meds for a few months this fall/winter… it sucks that no one around me has any idea of what it’s really like to be having problems like this… the only people who could ever understand are those who have experienced it themselves… it’s like fighting an internal war with your own mind every waking moment… if you ever need a sympathetic ear, drop me a line… I’m on Facebook too

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