LtM – 24 January 2011

Hey Mom-

You’d be so proud of me today. I bought a hemming foot for my sewing machine a couple of months ago but today I had the balls to try to use it. It’s tricky! My goal was to make a few of my own bandanas out of some of your fabric (I’m no quilter or fabric artist like you, it must be said) and I managed a certain level of success. I think I need more practice, but I’ve got a good start. You know how I like to tie my hair up, so I thought it’d be nice to use some of your own fabric collection to do it with. I love having something important to you close to me. Your taste in fabric was amazing and I feel beautiful wrapped in it.

I’ve had half a bottle of wine this evening (not my own brew this time, but a good Rioja) and must say that sewing is harder when one is moistened by such things. No more sewing tonight as I don’t wish to bleed. My post-wine stitching is noticeably poorer in quality.

Things are going well with the art career. I wish you could see some of my latest work – it’s really feeling right. I’ve got the new website mostly done and am painting most days. I will be approaching galleries soon. I’m pretty sure an artist is all you’ve ever seen me as, and I love thinking back to all the encouragement you gave me. I am happy and can’t believe it has taken me this long to get to this point. Perhaps it wasn’t possible for it to come sooner. Who can say.

I dream a lot lately. You’re in some of them. Fortunately I think of your last day less and less before bed. I used to curl up in my blankets, close my eyes, and see you shouting then later struggling to breathe. That last twenty-four hours will haunt me always, but I’m learning to put it away. I believe Aaron and I are closer than ever and, when we are able, we talk about you and try to make things make sense.

I am grateful that your illness and death brought me closer to Kevin and his family. Sad to think that such a dire situation drew us near and fired a reconnection, but it did. Thank you. I miss them terribly and hope to see and hug them again one day. Of course I’d love it to be here, as I want to share this amazing England with my loved ones, and though money is tight everywhere, I remain hopeful.

The studio is calling me and I need to paint a bit before bed. I’m wearing your fabric around my head and feel good.
I love you.
j

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