LtM – 18 November 2010

You would not believe how light my heart feels and how much my eyes must sparkle at this very moment! I feel strange telling you this, Mom, but I think I’ve gone two days without obsessing over your death.

I think of you, certainly, but for about two days it has been in a fond, painless way, rather than the stabs of anguish when all my brain shows me are images of you dying in your bed or shouting at me when the tumours took control of your emotions. Those hurt, and for weeks those images and cinematic replays are all my mind would serve up in idle moments. Cruelly, so many of those remembrances would occur just before I would sleep, and then – unsurprisingly – POW! I’m awake and hurting.

But I haven’t had that for two days and it makes me feel light.

I miss you like crazy and I’ll never forget the absolute Hell we went through during that last few days together – your last days – but I think you’d be happy that some of the pain is losing its grip on me. I want you back so badly but I think my brain is beginning to cope and file away the ugliness of those last 48 hours or so to make way for smiles to surface. Smiles that you create when I think of how amazing you were and how much love we had.

I love you, Mom.
So very much.
j

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