LtM – 27 October 2010

Dear Mom,

You just snuck up on me. I have a cold, been pretty much doing nothing for a couple of days, and just a few minutes ago you were there – powerful as anything in my thoughts and I bawled.
I wonder if sometimes the distance we had in miles makes this reality less real; the lack of seeing you day to day is fucking with my head because I still believe you’re there and that we just haven’t spoken for a couple of days. We’d do that sometimes normally thanks to our brain wiring issues, but it never lasted long. Not seeing you, on the other hand, could last a year. I’d be living here and not even realise the colour of your hair as you let it naturally go grey after years of fighting it. Things like that didn’t really matter though. You saw me through the internet and I had you on the phone.
I cough with this cold and it reminds me that even though I’d hear you cough more frequently over the years, that I still had a child’s belief that you would pull through it; it was a ‘temporary’ cough in my child mind. I even refused to hear the intensity and frequency increase.
My cough will go soon. I only have a cold.

I would give anything to hear you laugh until you go into a coughing fit. Just one more time.

I miss you intensely.
love,
j

[about Letters to Mom/LtM]