In my last post I mentioned a bit about my Seasonal Affective Disorder issues. That’s kind of the tip of the proverbial iceberg. As I get older, I am learning more about my own behaviour patterns- paying attention to them, understanding them, anticipating them. I sought therapy (for the first time in my life) about five years ago regarding a serious bout of depression. It was within the first hour with the counsellor that I was asked about ADD/ADHD. So many bells rang as he laid my life out in clinical symptoms, charts, and questionnaires. My family and friends were interviewed. Holy Cow! There was a reason for the way I felt and I finally understood the relationship between my depression and this thing called ADD/ADHD! It was a revelation, certainly. I come from a family line of bi-polar/manic depressives and (especially as I get older) exhibit the recognisable behaviour myself. Of course I never considered mental illness when I was younger- I was just a weirdo. A bit moody and excitable. Just fine. One mustn’t complain, right?
Everyone is different, but for me, my ADD/ADHD tends to flare up and triggers mania, and that mania then triggers clinical depression. There is almost always some sort of choppy sea in my head. Most days I can cope pretty well through an optimistic outlook and learned behaviour to not be so hard on myself. Although I’m generally a happy person, I’m also the master at make-believe happiness.
This winter, however, is kicking my ass.
Hard. In cleats.
My usual tricks and tactics for coping are less effective. I’ve had it bad before, and not that I keep a record, but this is a really long stretch of it. This week has been particularly difficult and I’ve had several days of tears. It’s been messy and not entirely predictable. I haven’t been medicated for ADD/ADHD for three years. They have been, at times and from a mental health point of view, a very trying three years.
I’m doing my best to keep up and blog, write, work, and do all the other life-bits that need attention every day or week, but it’s not been an easy couple of months, and definitely not an easy last couple of weeks. Smiles are less frequent. Writing is at a near standstill. I am as energetic as a three-toed sloth… in a coma. I sleep as much as I can. I would like to be sleeping now (it’s not even 9pm). I’m watching life go by and feel mostly disconnected from it. The oppressively dreary weather outside only adds to the feeling of a floating, grey and blurry, separation from the rest of the world around me. Dammit! What I wouldn’t do for a week of sunshine!
I suppose this hasn’t been a fun post to read, but it’s been an important one for me to write. I got a bit out. I needed that.