Today, I got in touch with my inner lack of focus. Again.

It’s almost 9 PM* and I just got out of a comfy bath. It was the contemplating kind – candle-lit, bubbles – just me and my thoughts. I’m cleaner, but more focused?
No, not really, but I do have a plan.

It’s been one of those days where nothing I do seems to take any steps forward. Nothing I do is fruitful. I realise this is a skewed opinion more than truth, as I did get a load of laundry done, put away the grocery delivery, got two meals prepared, two loads of dishes washed, and the bathroom tidied. That doesn’t sound bad now that I think back on it, but if I’m honest with myself, all of that is, at best, a half day worth of productivity. That’s not enough, especially when I have books I’m writing, a site I’m co-developing, an application that I’m designing the interface for, and a course with homework to do. Oh yeah, and there’s yoga, bike riding, and walking to manage as well. That’s not including my hobbies- photography and art. Music. Pleasure geeking… I don’t have an overwhelming number of things to do, but they are currently overwhelming nonetheless.
I’m going to stop there before the chasm of despair sends a taxi up to meet me rather than waiting for me to plunge in on my own.

In seriousness, I am back to considering pharmaceutical assistance for my ADD. I’ll go see a doctor. I dug out the old pill bottles to take with me. I noticed there are quite a few days worth left in one of the bottles. The pills are expired, but I’m not sure it can hurt me anymore than I’m injuring myself by pretending the monster isn’t really under my bed.
It is under there, and it’s getting louder.

Just as I miss the more slender and fit me from a couple of years ago, I also lament the clarity, productivity, and happiness I felt after finally allowing ADD to be real and not a stigmatised monster that I should just pretend doesn’t exist.

On the sunny side, today hasn’t been an all-out bad day. It’s been pretty level, but I’m at the dangerous junction of it all going sour on me if I don’t carefully manage my moods. I’m not invincible with or without ADD medication, but I am markedly more stable when I’m on it. I could use some stable right about now.

*It took me awhile to actually get this posted, hence the time stamp being later than 9.

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