It was so-so, then bad, then better

Good evening kitties.

I can’t really explain why my brain has been sending melancholy messages to the rest of me, but it keeps throwing curve balls of unpleasant mood swings my way. It’s not too often, but the past couple of weeks have been hazy with occasional sadness, frustration and depression. I mentioned the ADD problems resurfacing several posts ago, and I think this all has to do with that synapse idiosyncrasy. I’ll be ok. I will be ok.

Today started slowly. I was slow to wake. I was slow to eat. I was slow to do something constructive, (ended up cleaning the kitchen and rearranging the countertops). I was slow to shower. It was during the shower that I truly realised that my day was a crappy little house built with shit-bricks. I lingered in that shower, washed myself to the degree I thought socially acceptable, and let the water rain onto my dropped head. I managed to shut it off, drape myself in an oversized towel and pile myself onto the bed. I wasn’t sleepy‚Äì I’d given up. That’s when I grabbed a pen and paper to jot down what was happening around me. Here’s what I wrote:

The irony isn’t lost on me. I’m laying here on the bed wrapped loosely in a damp towel listening to my downstairs neighbour wail along with Eddie Vedder, “Whoa oh I, I, I’m still alive… Yeah, I, oh, I’m still alive…”
My pillow is already wet from my post-shower hair and won’t notice the handful of tears I’ve added to it.
I’m still alive. Whoa, I’m still alive. So why do I feel so dead today? I’ve got it good. Why does my head refuse to recognise that sometimes?

Neil, in passing, noticed my horizontal, wet, motionless form and distracted me enough in the following minutes that I snapped out of the major bit of funk. He’s terrible for not letting me fester in my psyche wounds. I’m better now. I have mixed feelings about what I should do to improve my situation. I love my life. I’m happy. I just want a new brain sometimes. One free of the ADD… Even though I say I embrace it, and I do to a certain extent, I find it’s renegade sadism too much to bear sometimes. It’s not the worst of mental illnesses, but it’s my demon. And somehow, I’m gonna kick it’s ass.

smooches~
jEN

What I’m listening to right now:
Me and My Charms from the album “Hips and Makers” by Kristin Hersh

2 thoughts on “It was so-so, then bad, then better”

  1. Keep kicking that demon’s ass when it comes down to it that is the way to survive.

    It is odd you mention ‘hazy with occasional sadness, frustration and depression.’ In the last month or so I have experienced these things but I also feel happy with my life in general, you know the back story and the current situation and I am genuinely happy with where I am now. So why? I was an easily distracted child and there were instruction in primary school that I was not to be facing a window or I would just drift off into a world of my own, which I could do even if I wasn’t facing a window anyway.

    I don’t have a problem at work, I am too scared of not having a job so I force myself to concentrate but outside of that I fail to do the things that I want to do, not through lack of ability feel I am letting myself down by not achieving what I think I should be able to do. Maybe I am just lazy and looking for a fancy excuse? Who knows.

    Sorry to take up your blog voicing my problems and I hope you do find a way to be ‘ADD free’

    Kev

  2. Hi Kev-
    I’m glad you left such a long comment. There are variances in ADD, and the ability to hyperfocus when the chips are down is part of what makes it a complex beast. When I really broke down with depression a couple of years or so, ago my therapist figured out that my depression was caused by ADD but certainly compounded with a pinch of other issues I was experiencing at the time. For me, it’s mostly the frustrations with myself that trigger the melancholy. It’s been recently rearing it’s head likely due to a lack of definitive structure in my routine. I’m going to work on reeling myself into one, but it’s tough when you work from home and have the whole world at your fingertips! 🙂 I’m also looking into alternative therapies. I don’t want to be on prescription drugs, no matter how superficially effective they may be.

    smooches~
    jEN

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