I woke up with a nasty sinus cold. My back and tummy are sore from the throws of sneezes. I get this shit every so often. Mostly, I deserve it since I tend to take little preventative care when stirring up dusty places in the house.
I decided to take down the exotic canopy I’d constructed a year or two ago… back when I cared about rekindling a sense of romance. It worked for me, but not for the other half… So I’ve been sleeping alone in this pseudo-harem-styled bedroom for months, a room modernised with a bit of tribal, the bold, sexually charged reds, purples and yellows… beaded tassels dripping from wrought iron sconces that hold candles just for me. This is my room- and I’m sick of it.
The relationship was gone long before the eastern ambience came into the room. The romance died years ago. Every day habits formed in the place of true intimacy and gave legitimacy to the friendly expressions of love. A quick kiss before he went off to work every morning. Upon reuniting each evening, asking how each other’s days had gone without really thinking. Hugging to prove that we still could… There was a routine.
I know there was magic once. You don’t spend ten years of your life with someone if there’s nothing there. I love that man. He loves me. We aren’t meant to have any more than that and we’ve become ok with it. That acceptance actually went into action years ago- it’s just that no one said anything about it.
Well- yeah, we did. We just never discussed the real problems. You never want to blame the core… it should be something changable and minor… well, that was only part of it.
I started to resent this town when it turned into more than a layover on our way to the west coast. Sedated by the mundane cocoon we started weaving around us, I told myself everything was fine. This is normal. Sparks won’t always fly- passions die. Real life is just like this. Banality is what marriage becomes for everyone. You love each other and that’s all you need.
Well, it’s not. Sometimes it’s a lot of ‘right’ ingredients but the cake just falls flat.
So I took down that damned canopy yesterday. It was dusty and now my sinuses are on strike. Kinda proves a point… that facade did nothing to address real issues. I put up a beautiful bedroom in the place where intimacy should have bloomed. Nothing can make a relationship what it isn’t. That’s just not the way it works. Initial passions and the idealistic future fantasies of youth tend to fade. Were we too young at 21? Maybe. That’s unimportant at this point.
The room looks a bit different now. I hung one of my paintings above the headboard- it’s one I meant to show you and haven’t yet. I’ve been busy and I know you’ll forgive me. I’ll get around to it- honest.
I slept like shit with my nasal issues, but on the other hand, I slept for the first night in a room without false intentions. It was a room not waiting for some magical romance to waltz through the door… it was a room to sleep in and for that purpose, it was perfect.
There’s a saying out there popularised by some movie with a baseball theme: “If you build it, they will come,” or something like that. Never have seen the flick, but I can tell you from experience, that building it guarantees nothing. I built it. Turns out it was either all wrong or too late. Whichever, I built it for nothing. So it goes.
I’ll keep packing for my move. At least we both have a best friend out of this. And there is love… just not a marriage. Strangely, we both think that’s just fine. I am pleased to report that we have a better relationship now than for the last handful of years. For that, I am very grateful and believe that despite the heartaches and headaches we both endured over the years, the cake ended up turning out fine enough. We just had to figure out that what we made wasn’t what the recipe was calling for, but a very special treat that surprised us both.
Thank you Aaron. I love you and am so glad we’ve been in each other’s lives.