big enough to conceal dead bodies…

How-do my ladies and gents?

I just got in from a bit of selfish shopping, preceded by my treating my mom to an enormous dinner out. We went to Olive Garden and I consumed enough food for two! I still feel it now, though I ate about four hours ago! πŸ˜€ I may be petite, but jEN do loves da food! Yummy. We made our way to TJMaxx after the mega-meal and I commenced my mission for a suitcase of epic proportions. I succeeded. I need one for my trip to the UK in the fall, but honestly, with as big as a 30″ suitcase is, I could really just get into a yoga ‘child pose’ and have someone check me onto a plane as luggage! Holy crap the thing is big! I should be able to fit the majority of my wardrobe in the thing! I shall not want for clothes when I go over, that’s for sure!

I got to thinking… so, if I could hide me, or one reasonably pliable, petite dead person in there… what else might I manage? Well, as I figure it, I could likely fit:

2 male bull terriers
7 – 15 pound domestic short-haired cats
48 gallons of ice cream
212 dead ferrets
200 dead parrots
4 limber wallabies
2.5 medium duty canister vacuums (plus attachments)
1.5 conservatively dressed dwarves
52 – 4-packs of 60 watt incandescent light bulbs
48 gallons of lentil soup
3 boa constrictors (pre-feeding time)
56 clock radios of various manufacturers
2112 tubes of cruelty-free lip gloss
16 family sized pans of lasagne

Now, these are just estimates for the point of illustration, but believe me… the suitcase is huge. And I got it at a superb price. All is well in the world… πŸ˜€
I also got two pairs of jeans (really cool designer-y looking ones), three pairs of ridiculously sexy panties, a silver chain necklace, and two gorgeous bras. I only spent $50 total on those extra items! I am stoked! You see, I’m still getting a sensible wardrobe built. After the sickness years and cancer, then the weight loss back to where I knew I could be (and have been), constructing a closet full of functionality is important. I think I’m done. I’m going to practice pack my clothes into the new body bag tomorrow… I am just curious how much it will accommodate… Maybe I’ll still have room for a few dead parrots…*

Now that I’ve bored you with my ballistic grade bag blather, I’ll return you to your regularly scheduled program.
Bring on the night, kitties…
samsonite smooches and transatlantic dreaming ~
jEN

*No animals, snakes or feathered friends were hurt in the writing or researching of this blog entry, however, gratuitous use of medium duty canister vacuums and .5 gallons of ice cream were considered, yet ultimately thrown out in final editing. The lentil soup refused to leave it’s trailer for fear craft services would serve it at an unreasonable temperature.

6 thoughts on “big enough to conceal dead bodies…”

  1. Step aside Hunter S Thompson, jEN is here! This is a great Gonzo piece.

    I agree with nellus’s panic, we are only a crumbling little itty bitty island and such a huge suitcase could cause panic amoungst the local people. πŸ™‚

    Hope the practice pack goes well,

    Kev

  2. hey Kev!
    Ah- a gonzo piece eh?
    Did you somehow know that Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas is one of my all-time favorite movies, or are you sending smartly dressed monkey henchmen to peruse my dvds whilst I slumber?… hmmm…

    πŸ˜€
    smooches while installing monkey proof netting…
    jEN

  3. No monkeys, they charge too much and they always want you to pay for their dry cleaning, it was the nanobots. πŸ™‚

    I did actually know that Fear and Loathing was a fav of yours but from nothing more nefarious than looking up your 14k4 entry, however I would not have thought of this at the time, it did just remnd me of the little Hunter S stuff that I have read.

    Kev

  4. Hi Jen!
    It’s Larry Stevens (El Gancho) formerly of Polywogg. Can you tell me what happened with them? I hadn’t updated my blog in a few months and was about to get back to it when—BAM!!—they’re gone. Pulled the plug. Any clue what’s going on? One day they’re there; the next, they’re gone. I even tried writing Brenda (the wife and chief support person) at her Yahoo mail account and it bounced back.

    I guess this means I need to find another blog provider and set up shop again.

    Any suggestions?

    Larry

  5. Hi Larry!
    Yeah, Polywogg sent out a “we’re changing servers, expect a couple of weeks downtime” sort of email and in theory, should be back up this week. I know from talking to Brenda somewhat recently that it’s been tough for their company recently.
    I hope they come back- I really did like them. I set up a new home here, but will occasionally maintain the P’Wogg site too.
    How did you find me here? Google seems to have this site listed…

    Good to hear from you-
    smooches!
    jEN

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