I recently blogged about my self-diagnosis of perioral dermatitis and the switch to a couple of very mild cleansing products. This has been going fairly well, and the skin around my mouth and chin does seem happier, though not clearing totally. That’s fine, as I’m sure these things take time to heal. There may be more to it though, as I can now report the results of seeing my doctor yesterday regarding another thing to do with my face.
I seem to experience severe allergies intermittently at meals. I get a hot, red nose, sinus problems, flush cheeks. There doesn’t seem to be an easily identifiable trigger food or beverage, so I went to my GP to see if he could refer me to an allergy specialist. He asked me some questions, pushed and pulled my head around a bit for inspection and then connected the blotches around my mouth and chin to the flushing. He seems to think I have rosacea, and so we’re treating the two as related things. No allergy appointment. He prescribed me a metronidazole gel to apply twice a day to get things under control. I’m on day two today. There is a difference.
I’m using the Dr Bronner soap, the witch hazel toner, and a JASON brand vitamin E (5000) jojoba oil as a general moisturiser. In most cases, this works a treat. If I need to wear eye makeup, I don’t put the oil around my eyes, but instead use a Simple brand daily moisturiser. I’ve also found a neat trick to minimise the obvious redness of my skin by trying lip stains. They come in magic marker like tubes and I’m trying two brands right now- Max Factor and NYC. They make me feel prettier. I also like the look of lipstick on me, but don’t wear it often because it gets everywhere and requires frequent touch-ups. The stains are brilliant though. Low maintenance and look good.
So, whether it’s allergy, rosacea, perioral dermatitis, or some dastardly combination of them all, I’m making progress in both treating and dealing with it. I’ll update you when there’s more to the story. I’m hoping this info and the photos help someone out there.
There is much to update this blog on, but now is not the time. I’ll write something over the weekend.
Be well. x
It’s been a day I’d rather not talk about, honestly. The depression has been horrible. I’ll admit to wanting to be dead today. I am not a quitter, and I am not suicidal, but things would’ve felt so much better if I could’ve just slipped away into the abyss tugging at my legs. My despair today was near the levels I experienced in the months following the death of my mom. The weight I feel is heavy. So heavy.
I have the bravest friends and loved ones on the planet, and I thank you. You keep me afloat when all I feel is a body full of emotional concrete.
I’m at a point now where I’m listening to music, have chosen a bottle of very nice Cab-Sauv and a tub of Cheeselets for dinner. I’m hiding in my cave/office and doing little organisational tasks which make me feel a little better about the chaos I have swirling in my brain and surroundings. I oscillate wildly between tears and calm, unfeeling deadness.
I am broken and broke, but my life is not a bad one. I’m working to change my stars, one shimmer at a time.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this week. I received my appointment letter along with multiple pages of questionnaire on my general state of mental health. Normally, I love filling out forms, but this is just another broken record document where I repeat the same answers for yet another crazy brain assessment. I have been doing these sorts of forms for over ten years.
Here are the questions I have to answer:
1. How did this all begin: how did I first become aware of the problems that have brought me to this point? What did I notice in myself? In other ways?
2. How has it affected me: how, at first, affected me and my life.
3. How I felt in the beginning: how did I feel about all of this at the time?
4. How do I feel now?
5. What do I think this means? What does it mean to me?
6. What does all of this say to me? About me as a person?
7. Do I feel safe?
8. What needs to happen now? What do I want or wish would happen now? What would I hope would be done about the issues?
9. What do I expect or hope the CMHT to do to support me with my recovery?
10. Those who are important in my life and why they mean as much as they do.
11. Ideas or beliefs about life that are important for me: my faith; personal philosophy; values; etc…and other people’s.
12. The other things that matter in my life and why these are important for me.
1. How will I know the problem has been solved, or the need has been met? What would it be like to be without the problem or have the need met? How will things be different?
2. What needs to change to allow this to happen? How will this change show itself in me, other people, or any other aspect of my life?
OK. The thing that bothers me most about this form is the assumption that there was a start and there will be an end to my “problem.” Newsflash: I was born with this brain and I will die with this brain. No one can snap fingers or wish hard enough on a lucky troll doll to fix ADHD or bipolar depression. IT IS MY FUCKING WIRING. You don’t tell a schizophrenic to “Get over it,” and this questionnaire feels insulting and patronising. They always do. If I thought I could slash my hand open to plant a bloody handprint on each page to show my seriousness, I would.
Dear Community Mental Health Service: You cannot fix me. You can help me cope, but there is no fixing me.
I know this form is a One Size Fits All in an envelope, but it would be nice if they would see in my records that we’ve done this dance (and identical forms) before and that perhaps I’ve levelled up to a different treatment approach. In the meantime, I’ll do the broken record routine and fill this out as best as I can without writing, “shove it up your ass and fucking listen to me” anywhere on it.
I’m gonna need more coffee for this…